Dear Barack (the first in a series)

Dear Barack:

Roosevelt would fire this douchebag. Lincoln would fire this douchebag. Bill Clinton would fire this douchebag, even if you substitute, I don't know, Peggy Noonan or whatever for Hillary in the picture. Matt Santos would DEFINITELY fire this douchebag. Toby Zeigler would really want to fire this douchebag personally for Jed Bartlet, but Jed Bartlet would insist on calling this douchebag himself to fire him, because Jed Bartlet is really into exercising the power of that personal Presidential touch, something I think you sympathize with.

Mallard Fillmore would fire this douchebag, Barack. That's not a typo. I don't mean Millard Fillmore the unremarkable president. MALLARD FILLMORE THE REPUBLICAN CARTOON DUCK would fire him, and then say something that kind of looked like it should be a joke but wasn't actually funny.

In conclusion: I know there are worse things than being a drunken asshat at a party and letting someone take a picture of it. But Barack, you really oughta fire this douchebag.

Love,

Me

P.S. What does your "chief speechwriter" do, anyway? Aren't you your chief speechwriter? I mean, that's pretty much what this douchebag said to Newsweek.